


From Death to Life

by PierceTheVeils



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Being a Female Soldier is Hard, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Kalikori (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: Rebels, Pregnancy, The Complexities of Motherhood, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29625156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PierceTheVeils/pseuds/PierceTheVeils
Summary: Hera is about to embark on a routine retrieval mission when she makes an uncomfortable discovery.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	From Death to Life

Hera’s first clue came one month after the Battle of Lothal. She woke up early that morning ready to fly when the pilot’s cap she’d owned for seven years didn’t fit anymore. Hera pulled the cap over her lekku, but all it did was get stuck. Starting to lose blood flow to her head, she ripped the cap off and threw it to the side.

Now her lekku were sore. Hera fingered each one gently, wincing at how sensitive they’d become. Infections were one reason her head tails might be swollen. She couldn’t feel any trace of injury though, nor had she been in a situation to receive one recently. 

Another reason a Twi’lek’s head tails might swell up was exclusive to females. It typically happened a month to six weeks down the line, and it meant…

Hera froze. No, that couldn’t be it. She hadn’t slept with anyone since Kanan died. The last time they’d been intimate was on Lothal. Just a few days before he…

She did the math in her head. It was barely within the realm of possibility. For her to have gone this long without noticing any symptoms was unlikely. Most Twi’lek women realized they were pregnant less than a month after conception occurred.

Of course, most Twi’lek women weren’t running campaigns against the Empire. Had it not been for her cap, Hera would have been too stressed to notice her lekku swelling. Also, Kanan had been human. What if the different species complicated the matter? Human pregnancies were longer than Twi’lek ones: nine months to eight. If that were the case, then when would Hera give birth? Where would she go to do it? What would she do in a few months when the symptoms got…

Woah, woah, woah. Hera shook her head. She was getting ahead of herself. Her pilot’s cap didn’t slip on one morning and she was already thinking about birth arrangements? That’s a major leap to take.

Before she could make plans, she had to be sure she wasn’t making this up. Given her position, it would be difficult for Hera to stop at a normal medical facility. Most the rebel medic bases covered battle wounds and infectious diseases. They didn’t have many doctors who would have the necessary know-how about non-battle conditions. 

If Hera really was imagining things, she didn’t want to have to explain herself to others. She needed a more discreet test.

And for that, she chose to call Sabine, who picked up right away. “What can I do for you, Hera?”

“I’ll be planetside shortly. If you have a chance, I want you to pick up one extra thing for me.”

“Yeah, sure,” Sabine agreed, a curious tint to her voice. “What do you need?”

“Loftsa seeds. They’re part of an herbal remedy popular on Ryloth.” Hera kept her explanation vague. “I think most markets sell them.”

Sabine squinted, then relaxed. “Are you feeling alright?”

“I should be. The seeds are just to be safe.” Hera didn’t mention her swollen lekku. Sabine wouldn’t understand. “I’ll see you and Zeb soon.”

Hera hung up before Sabine could say anything else. She sat down in the  _ Ghost’s _ cockpit, letting the familiar routine of pre-flight checks distract her from the knot of anxiety growing in her stomach. By the time she entered hyperspace, her thoughts were focused only on reaching Sabine and Zeb. Leaving room for other matters would only crash her ship. That was one resolution to the question Hera would not accept.

* * *

Pickup of the remaining crew proved uneventful. Sabine had managed to secure the seeds Hera asked for. Hera didn’t do anything with them at first, electing to move the  _ Ghost _ to a safe location before attending to her personal matters. She made sure Sabine, Chopper, and Zeb were all distracted before making her preparations.

Loftsa seeds were an oddity in the galaxy. Where most plants and animals grew faster from the hormones of a pregnant woman, Loftsa seeds immediately shriveled under exposure to pregnancy hormones. They had to be grown far away from animals of all types to be produced in large quantities. Twi’lek women liked to buy them because they provided immediate results, as opposed to the Rywheat test which took several days to prove conclusive.

Hera holed herself up in the ship’s ‘fresher. She laid the seeds down in front of her, undid the lower part of her flight suit, and summoned the courage to move forward. It was hard to pee on command. Hera should have drank some water before coming in here. All she got out were a few sad drops.

Those sad drops were enough. The Loftsa seeds beneath her cracked open immediately, their shell dissolving. That only happened if one condition was true.

Hera Syndulla was pregnant.

Her heart sank. Hera flushed the seeds away, not wanting to examine the evidence further. She buried her head in her hands first out of shame, then out of guilt.

She shouldn’t be this angry. New life was a gift everyone in the galaxy ought to celebrate. Hera should be thrilled she hadn’t lost Kanan forever. Right as he’d left, Kanan had found a way to live on, starting with her. It must be the will of the Force that a fetus began growing in Hera right as Kanan died. Who was she to deny the will of the Force?

At the same time, war with the Empire was always going to put her and the child in danger. What sort of mother raised a kid in the middle of a warzone? Hera had a duty to the Rebel Alliance, one she couldn’t manage with an infant by her side. It’d been hard enough to fly Ezra and Sabine on risky missions, and those two were teenagers. Hera could not in good conscience subject a baby to the terrors of a space battle. She needed to wait for the war to end before she could be the mother her kid would deserve.

...But this couldn’t wait. Kanan was gone. He would never sire another child again. Hera had neither the heart nor the strength to refuse him his only chance at fatherhood. Not when she remembered so clearly how he’d felt about it.

_ “Growing up, I learned that Jedi didn’t have families. We only had the Order and the council. Possessive relationships, like marriage and family, divided a Jedi’s loyalties away from the order. Leaving the order meant leaving the needs of the galaxy behind in favor of a selfish personal life.” Kanan rested a hand on his chin, frowning. “I didn’t question these rules growing up. The way of the Jedi Order was all I knew.  _

_ “Now that the Jedi Order is gone… I think their disconnect from families isolated them. Both today and then, so many people misunderstand the Jedi order. They never had a chance to know the Jedi the way they knew neighbors or friends. That made it possible for the Empire to turn people against them. Knowing the needs of the galaxy means understanding the life most of them lead, even living it for yourself. I’ve done that a lot over the years.” He turned to Hera, a smile filling out his face. “If we weren’t rebels, I would have asked to marry you years ago. When things are better, our family can settle down. Sabine and Ezra are our kids for now, but in the future… I want kids of our own. Will you have them with me?” _

Hera’s answer at the time had been yes. She’d taken Kanan’s comment about the future to mean a time when the Empire had been removed from power. That was when things would be better, after all. For as long as the Empire stuck around, conditions in the galaxy would grow increasingly hostile to future generations.

Hera ran a hand over her lekku, feeling every minor stroke her fingers made. This wasn’t going away. Hera had to make a choice. The longer she waited, the harder it would be to maintain the  _ Ghost’s _ schedule.

She left the ‘fresher in the haze of her own concerns. Hera turned a corner, nearly running into Sabine on her way back to the cockpit. “Um… sorry.”

“How’d it go?” Sabine asked.

“What do you mean?”

Sabine crossed her arms. “Humans use Loftsa seeds too. Mandalore likes them because they’re easier to buy than regular pregnancy tests. They’re also easier to smuggle through embargos and blockades.” Her face softened. “So which is it? Are you pregnant or not?”

“I wasn’t planning to tell anyone,” Hera said. “This is a lot for me to think about.”

“At least you know. It’d be worse if you found out later.” Sabine didn’t let Hera walk past her. She fought to be included in the conversation. “What are you going to do? It’s Kanan’s, right?”

Hera frowned. “He’s the only possibility. As for what I’m going to do… I already told you. It’s a lot for me to think about. Excuse me.” She tried once again to bypass Sabine. This time, Sabine let her.

“I’m here for you, Hera. You don’t have to face this alone.”

Hera didn’t stop to respond. She made it all the way to her pilot’s chair before collapsing. Tears collected in the corners of her eyes.

Alone. She may not be alone, but she felt that way. Losing Kanan had been the hardest thing to face since her mother passed. She still returned to that night sometimes. The way the explosion engulfed Kanan, how he used all his strength to save her and Ezra…

And Ezra. He was gone too. Just like Kanan, he’d sacrificed himself so Lothal could be free. Those two had always been so alike. Sometimes too alike.

Hera didn’t hold either man’s sacrifice against them, but she wished there’d been a chance for goodbyes. In both cases, Hera had been helpless to save them. To do anything. Nothing would ever stop Hera from fighting for the rebellion, yet it hurt to watch the fight take out the people she’d loved the most. Kanan had lost so much when the Empire took over. He’d deserved to see what the world would be like when they were gone.

She had a duty to keep Kanan and Ezra’s spirits alive. Hera had dedicated her life to the freedom of the galaxy. No one person could stand in the way of the galaxy’s liberation. Even if that person meant the stars to Hera, it was selfish to put their wellbeing over everyone else’s.

Kanan had chosen to sacrifice his life for the rebellion. Could Hera ask his child to do the same?

That was the difference, wasn’t it? Kanan had  _ decided _ to die for the rebellion. His and Hera’s child wasn’t yet capable of making that choice. If Hera ended the pregnancy, she’d be forcing an innocent to give up their life for a cause they knew nothing about. Hera disagreed with forced sacrifices on an instinctual level.

There was no room for compromise in a decision like this. Neither option put Hera in an ideal position. She lolled her head back, then looked down at her stomach. Hera laid a hand across her middle, square in the spot where the baby bump would grow. 

“I’d never be angry at anyone for existing, but you… you make things complicated, little one.”

A knock came from the cockpit’s door. Hera straightened before inviting them in. Sabine sat in the copilot’s chair, gathering her thoughts before she said anything.

“How are you feeling, Hera?”

“Conflicted. Worried. Ashamed.”

“Ashamed? About what?”

“How I feel. I should be happy, but I’m not.”

Sabine pursed her lips. “I wish we could be happy for this too. It’s hard not having Kanan here.”

“Not having Kanan, not having Ezra, needing to do so much for the rebellion…” From there, Hera listed off their obligations one by one, ending with, “I’m not going to be able to do this for much longer. I can keep flying for a few months, but I won’t be able to follow you into danger.”

Sabine thought about what Hera was implying. “Does this mean you want to keep it?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I owe it to Kanan, but I also owe it to him to keep the fight going. I can’t do both.”

“Kanan wouldn’t blame you for making a decision. He would want you to be happy.” Sabine hesitated, then continued. “My… my mother was always honest with me about this. I was born during the Clone Wars, as you know. My mother was in Death Watch at the time. When she found out she was pregnant, she felt like it was a setback the cause couldn’t handle. She already had one child. She came very close to… to ending it.”

The confession struck Hera in the gut. “What changed her mind?”

“Having my brother reminded her that there was more to life than war. It gave her goal more meaning to fight for a world where her children could be true Mandalorians. She felt her pregnancy with me was a reminder of that as well. She couldn’t only think about the next battle. She had to take care of herself too. Then… Mandalorian culture is good about this. When she had me, I was cared for by a watchmen as she worked her way back into duty. She was battle ready again in no time.” Sabine recounted the story with hollow eyes. “The first time my mother told me, I was horrified. No kid wants to hear they were a setback.”

“I don’t see my kid that way,” Hera protested. “You are an amazing addition to the galaxy, Sabine. Your mother is proud to have you as a daughter.”

“Yeah, now she is. She wasn’t always.”

Hera laid a hand on Sabine’s arm, squeezing it. “I know. I’ve always been proud to have you on this crew. I wouldn’t trade you for anything, Sabine.”

“Thank you.” Sabine laid an arm of her own on Hera. “I’m not saying you have to make the same choice as my mother. I know it’s a big decision, but if you want to keep this baby, there is a way.”

“I don’t know where I’d find a watchman for this one. My whole family is caught up in Ryloth’s liberation, and you all are needed in the rebellion as well. Your family is in the Mandalorian civil war, and-”

“And there are still watchmen looking out for the young soldiers of Mandalore,” Sabine insisted. “By the time I could remember things, the war was over. Maul was removed. I was with my parents. I can’t promise our war with the Empire will be like that, but Clan Wren can attest to your honor as a warrior. We would be honored to help you put another little guy on your kalikori. Everyone on this ship will help you with whatever you need. You know we will.”

Hera felt a tentative wave of relief run over here. It didn’t remove her anxiety about the future, but it smoothed out the edges. “We’ll have to tell rebel command. I won’t take certain missions pregnant.”

“They’ll understand. Even if they don’t, we’re in a volunteer army. If we need to leave the Alliance long enough for you to give birth and recover, that’s what we’ll do. They’d be idiots not to take you back after that.”

Hera sighed. “I’m glad I have you to talk to, Sabine. I’ll tell Zeb and Chopper in a bit, but right now, I’m happy it’s you.”

“I’m glad you trusted me to help you.” Sabine pulled back. “Does this mean you know what you want?”

Hera blinked, her face sullen. “Kanan and I always wanted more kids than just you and Ezra. The timing isn’t the best, but… without Kanan here, it’s the only time we have.

“I’m going to bring this baby into the world. After that, I’m going to fight with everything I have to make the galaxy one they can grow up in. I don’t know how long that will take, but we will get there. I know we will.”

Easier said than done. Hera would wonder for months if she made the same choice. She would watch the Death Star debacle from the sidelines, swollen stomach keeping her out of the cockpit.

Then she would have Jacen. Son in her arms, Hera would finally have her answer. The galaxy was a better one with Jacen in it. 

Time to make the galaxy a better one for Jacen. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is a fucking minefield. I don't want to have abortion debates in the comments. All I will say is that it's a difficult issue and a hard decision for every woman who considers it. 
> 
> That said, I believe Hera's decision to have Jacen was a hard one. She would have learned about her pregnancy at a low point in her life. Having the remains of the Ghost Crew behind her is super important at a time like this. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. Thoughtful comments are appreciated. Hope everyone is staying warm in this later stage of winter. My heart goes out to Texas and surrounding areas suffering from storm damage.


End file.
